It was 8 years ago when I was asked whether I was content with my life. I had answered in a flat out “No”. Further queries sought to see what would make me content. I had listed the following while driving:
- Financial stability
- Good friends
- Good health & well off family
I quickly followed up with “Then again I don’t think I’ll be content for long“. I had said what I said because part of my character is always seeking for more, more so in me than others. Also, at that point in my life I had only been content for two times and though the feeling was just a sense of euphoria and peace, it lasted much too short. Pleasure seeking as a quest to find that place once more, however, it would not be found so easily. The next phase of my life, I went through many disappointments. Lies, Deceit, Desire, Vanity, Lust. Music was my sanctuary then as it still is now. Going through so much I was unable to cope with the emotions and the world around me. My heart closed. What use to flow so readily was twisted up tight as it became my own poison. Life then was a farce of play or be played. Nights, mornings I would lie in the bed and stare up into the empty space and not being able to feel anything. I was in a shell and unable to escape this prison. There were times when I thought that things would be different; my heart had creaked open only to get slammed.
Changes came and went, as did “friends” and acquaintances. New jobs, New habits. The end results were still the same. It’s a producer-consumer world. When good things do happen, I was left in a state of skepticism. How much will this cost me? Trying all the while to desperately read the fine print in life, which were no where to be found. Needless to say I had squandered those that were true in life. But through all this, life did continue. Lonely as I was, life never truly leaves you alone. All the while baby steps were taken without even knowing it. Walls slowly came down but were always ready to be erected when needed. I had not noticed it then, but happiness did seep through my knotted self. It felt so good that I yearned for more, becoming a glutton, while ignoring the fact that others had given their share for my own benefit. Just when things had stabilized, a wrench was thrown into the works. Obligations, Duty, Love. REGRET.
Laying on the bed once more things in full circle. Memories blaze through. Old songs, New songs, Old friends, New friends. Am I content with my life? The sharp realization is that I had always been!
